Pain Day

This was the first thought when I woke up this morning. There are days when you dont wish to look at yourself in the mirror. It was one such. I woke up this morning (well, I couldn't sleep for that matter). The thoughts which were lingering in my dreams came to life. They haunted me in that shallow, half-awake half-asleep, conscious and at the same time inconscious state. For the first time, I didn't feel like going to office. I wanted to sleep and sleep till the thoughts stopped knocking my head. I cursed myself for being obedient. I enjoyed thinking of those rare times when I refused to be one. I didn't have the energy to work, to prove to myself, to laugh, love, enjoy, relish. I felt like a soul in coma.

No matter how disgusted I felt, the world was not willing to leave me alone. There were phone calls and I picked some of them because there was no mistake of theirs for my current state. The was solely responsible for creating this mess. People thought they knew me and tried judging things from my voice. They asked if I was keeping healthy, if things were fine, if i needed help, etc. I did not tell them a word.

Not that I didn't want to, I almost had no energy to. I was not willing to make them sad and I knew telling them would spoil the little fun they were left in their lives. I crashed and crumpled after talking to them. I wanted to cry out loud. I wanted to go to the terrace and cry at the top of my voice, again because I didn't wish to appear weak before anyone. And crying meant weakness, it meant losing to courage, it meant losing to confidence, it meant being broken-down, it meant changing the notion and perception people had of me. But I was energyless, so I sat there, meek and small in a large universe. The otherwise me would have arranged the bed as a first thing and would have proceeded towards facing life as if it was all under my control.

I didn't wish to do anything today. Nothing seemed right, I was losing. I was losing to myself. I was losing to life. I was losing to the hopes my mother had of me. I was losing to her vibrant eyes who told me that I was the best she had seen. For the first time in my life, I wanted to quit. I wanted to meet father and sister once. I really wanted to be back with Mother, wherever she was. I wished I could die.