I did not know that my happiness would be so short-lived. I was rummaging through all my old books and novels, for many reasons – sell a few, keep some forever and give away some to my best buddies. My hand landed on this file of my parents, my curious brain said they might be love letters exchanged between father and mother and I will be going up to them giggling. They turned out to be adoption letters, with my name on it, calling my parents as the adopters and my 2nd paternal uncle and aunt as my Real parents. So, my real parents never really wanted me. Perhaps they wanted to kill me by going for an abortion. Thinking in the Mathematical line, that seems more likely because i’m younger than the 4 daughters of the uncle and aunt.
Well… so, my mom never really conceived me, did she feel the same way holding me like she would have felt holding her own? Did she get irritated when I bugged her? Would things have been different if I was her actual child? On the other hand, how did my aunt feel when I went to her house offering sweets on my selection to a Medical college. Did she feel proud of her genes? For once, did she feel guilty for having given me away to someone else?
There are these times when I feel unwanted. The same thoughts never allow me getting closer to a man. What if he comes and tells me the following one day – ‘You are really intelligent, kind and generous. But I don’t feel like writing or talking to you any more. It is an unfair world and I hope you understand’.
When I smoke, I see that disgust in people’s eye, I see them not wanting me. I see hatred in their eyes. Why are some of us so deprived of love and affection? I know it was not distributed in proportions when the Almighty was dividing it. I don’t feel jealous when I see a 60 year old mother talking to her daughter and caressing her forehead. I just wonder what I might have felt? Would that have seemed like ‘heaven on Earth’?
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