The feeling called 'Guilty'

I felt like listening to songs really loud yesterday but did not do thinking what would the other girls in my room think of me. They would perhaps think that i have still not grown up. Today morning, I wanted to say the aunt that I am missing mum's cold coffee so much and if you could please make one for me but did not open my mouth thinking what would she think about me - a girl who is always over demanding and is just not adjustable in a family environment. It happens with me everyday, sometimes everyhour. Initially I did not realize that this was something that i was doing more often. Yesterday I was talking to D and thats a statement she has told me many times but i felt the impact only yesterday - she told me that she was not like me who would do things for others and think about them so much before doing a thing. Apparently, her sister was not happy with her because she did not go and see her stage performance. Had i been in that stage, I would have simply went and sat among the audience even if i had 0% knowledge or interest in the art form.

Trying to recollect some childhood stories on the same lines. Once when in Class 7, the teacher asked us if we had completed our quarterly holiday homework. Nobody raised their hands because no one did and I too did not raise it feeling all my class except me would be punished. We stood the whole day outside the class.

This incident is when I was in class eleven. I was quite tall and as per the sports teacher's standard I should have stood 5th from the last. There was a highly boisterous gang in the class and one of the girls from the same gang came up to me and told that i need to stand 10th (that was her place). Her boyfriend was among the taller ones and she wished to stand next to him even during the prayer assemblies.

I never spoke in English because the other children would think I was showing off. I read and wrote tamil(which i later admired) only because I could not have disappointed my tamil teacher. I would sing badly at times intentionally to give company to others.

But it never happened the other way round. I was so poor at games ( mostly out of fear) and others would take advantage of me. Mom used to buy stuff for me and my cousin together and I would always ask her to pick up first. She would never even give me a choice. I had limited toys when I was young - ma's freind's son used to come to home and destroy all of them and i never said a word. Sometimes when we went to their house, he would not even allow me to touch his toys.

All of this and many many more if i recall. Its not that i feel bad about any of it but sometimes i feel that i have been a very scared person throughout my life. As Osho says, "A wise person never repents for the decisions he has made" and I dont do either but sometimes I should also try and do things which I feel like doing, take decisions at the impulse of the second and say things staright out of heart.